Following a week in which:
– Manchester City scored an incredible amount of goals.
– Jan Vertonghen put in an incredible performance at left back for Tottenham Hotspur.
– Kylian Mbappe continued to be incredible.
We rank European football teams, using quotes from 2019’s BAFTA winning films.*
*Except for Bohemian Rhapsody, because it’s a horrific film about a horrific band.
15. Ajax? (Re-Entry)
“You know man, in the ol’ days, I always knew, like, you were going to do something, that you’d be alright. It’s the first time I’m worried about you.” (A Star Is Born)
‘There’s a bright future ahead for Ajax.’
Is what was (roughly) exclaimed by a commentator during the Ajax vs. Real Madrid game. And while there is a lovely sentiment behind such a statement, it’s not exactly true.
Ajax do have a great young squad – there’s no denying it.
The problem with the commentator aforementioned comment however, is that it won’t be their ‘great young squad’ for much longer. With Frenkie de Jong already sold to Barcelona and literally every club in the world vying for Matthijs de Ligt’s signature, Tuesday night felt like the beginning of the end for this Ajax team; rather than the beginning of a…um…well…beginning.
14. Benfica (New Entry)
“I think it’s a Banksy.” (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse)
Last weekend, Benfica scored ten goals and conceded zero.
Benfica beat Nacional 10-0!!!
This result can mean one of two things, either:
– Benfica are really, really, really good.
– Nacional are really, really, really bad.
I’d like to think it’s the former. ?
13. Atalanta (Down 3)
“That’s not how it goes.” (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse)
Atalanta, it’s not you, it’s me.
La Dea fans may feel a little aggrieved when they see that their team have dropped three places in this week’s Definitive European Power Rankings.
They did win last weekend.
Duvan Zapata did score (as he always does).
Other teams did too though, and with the Definitive European Power Rankings being so hotly contested week in, week out, sometimes a win over S.P.A.L. just isn’t enough. Sorry.
12. SSC Napoli (Down 1)
“It’s a…complicated world.” (Green Book)
Hopes of winning first Scudetto since the Diego Maradona era have been vanquished by a Juventus team who just. Won’t. Stop. Winning.
But hopes of winning a first European trophy since the Diego Maradona era are still alive and well.
?Napoli recorded a comfortable win over FC Zurich in the first leg of the round of 32 on Thursday night, and are now undoubtedly one of the favourites to lift the stupidly big trophy in May.
11. AC Milan (Up 4)
“I believe this can work.” (Vice)
Are ?AC Milan…good?
They might be.
A few months ago they were DEFINITELY terrible, but the signings of Lucas Paqueta and Krzysztof Piatek have changed everything.
Now, after a myriad of false dawns, I Rossoneri fans finally believe that this ‘project’ can work.
10. Bayern Munich (Up 2)
“Every human has great potential that can be developed through physical training. But most importantly, through the evolution of the mind.” (Roma)
There’s been teething problems.
A whole lot of teething problems.
The molars still aren’t fully out.
There’s a gap between the two front teeth.
However, ?Bayern are doing alright. And if they trust Niko Kovac, Serge Gnabry, Alphonso Davies and co., FC Hollywood have the potential to be the best team in Europe once again.
9. Manchester United (Down 2)
“The world’s full of lonely people afraid to make the first move.” (Green Book)
?Manchester United: MAKE THE MOVE.
GIVE OLE GUNNAR SOLSKJAER THE JOB.
HE DESERVES IT.
‘But what about the PSG defeat? That was pretty bad…’
FORGET ABOUT THAT. HE’S WORKED WONDERS WITH THIS SIDE. THE PLAYERS LOVE HIM. THE FANS LOVE HIM.
GIVE HIM THE JOB.
8. Borussia Dortmund (Down 7)
“Stalked by tragedy.” (The Favourite)
Down seven. Yes, down seven.
This week has been that bad for ?Borussia Dortmund. But it shouldn’t really be much of a surprise.
With Marco Reus, Manuel Akanji, Paco Alcacer Julian Weigl and Lukasz Piszczek all on the sidelines, BVB’s squad depleted in a big, big way.
When you’re forced to start Dan-Axel Zagadou, bad things – like a 3-0 defeat at the hands of Tottenham Hotspur – will happen. And they did.
7. Real Madrid (Up 2)
“Mountains are old, but they’re still green.” (Roma)
We’ve suspected it for a few weeks, and it’s now official: ?Real Madrid are back.
Los Blancos followed up an impressive 3-1 win away to Atletico Madrid with an even more impressive win over Ajax in the UEFA Champions League to prove that, yes, Luka Modric, Sergio Ramos, Karim Benzema, Gareth Bale, Marcelo, etc. are still pretty good.
Who’d have thought it…?
6. Liverpool (Down 1)
“‘Queen, you are mad. Giving me a palace. This is a monstrous extravagance. Mrs. Molly, we are at war.’
‘Oh, it is not over. We must continue.’
‘Oh. Well, I did not know that.'” (The Favourite)
“DOWN ONE?! HOW?!”
“HOW CAN LIVERPOOL DROP ONE THIS WEEK EVEN THOUGH THEY WON?!”
Ok, ok, I get it. Every week you guys are upset by where ?Liverpool are in 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings. I. Get. It.
Liverpool are down one this week because even though they won an important game on Saturday, put simply, other teams in Europe had more impressive. So chill out, ok?
5. Paris Saint-Germain (Up 3)
“Unless you get out there and try to do it, you’ll never know. That’s just the truth. If there’s one reason we’re suppose to be here is to say something so people wanna hear it. So you gotta grab it and you don’t apologise you don’t worry about why they’re listening or how long they’re gonna be listening for. You just tell em what you wanna say.” (A Star Is Born)
That’s why Paris Saint-Germain have broken into the top five of 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings.
How can he be this good? How is it possible? How?!
4. Barcelona (Down 2)
“If you have power, people will always try to take it from you. Always.” (Vice)
For only the second time this season, ?Barcelona failed to score in a game.
Being held to a goalless draw by a dogged Athletic Bilbao side obviously isn’t the end of the world (especially when you’re top of the league), but the draw may have shown the rest of La Liga how to quell Barca’s attacking threat.
And it’s a pretty simple tactic to utilise: kick them. Kick them a lot. Just don’t stop kicking them.
3. Tottenham Hotspur (Up 3)
“Look at me. All you got to do is trust me. That’s all you got to do.” (A Star Is Born)
– Jan Vertonghen is the best left back AND centre back in England.
– Son Heung-min is the best player in England.
– Mauricio Pochettino is a wizard.
These are the reasons ?Tottenham Hotspur beat Borussia Dortmund 3-0 in the UEFA Champions League on Wednesday.
2. Juventus (Up 2)
“My old man always told me good things come to those who wait.” (Blackkklansman)
?Juventus recorded another win in Serie A at the weekend…which isn’t much of a surprise, and probably doesn’t really matter.
What does matter for La Vecchia Signora this season is the UEFA Champions League; a competition they haven’t won since 1996.
For Juventus, the 2018/19 season hinges upon European glory. If they win the Champions League, the 2018/19 season was a success. If they don’t, then the 2018/19 season will go doe as one of the most disappointing in recent memory.
1. Manchester City (Up 2)
“I am the Queen.” (The Favourite)
?Manchester City’s recent form:
Goals Scored: 45
Goals Conceded: 6
Goal Difference: 39
If I was a Liverpool fan, I’d be afraid. Very, very afraid.