90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings: Week 25 – I’m Alan Partridge Special

Following a week in which: 

– All Serie A games have been postponed; and rightfully so. 

– All La Liga games have been postponed; and rightfully so.

– All Premier League games have been postponed; just after the EPL embarrassingly announced that they were to go ahead until Mikel Arteta tested positive for the coronavirus. 

We try and brighten everyone’s (except Liverpool fans, sorry) day a bit by using quotes from ‘I’m Alan Partridge’ to rank the top 15 teams in Europe.

Let battle…cease…for a bit. 


15. Liverpool (Down 2) 

Andrew Robertson

“You’ve got to laugh when you fall off a sofa.”

?Liverpool, it’s not looking good at the moment. 

Just one short month ago you looked unbeatable, and looked on course to win a historic unbeaten quadruple. 

Now you’re out of the FA Cup, out of the UEFA Champions League and the Premier League title that you are about a week away from winning could be voided due to the coronavirus. 

At times like this all you can do is laugh…

…Oh, you’re not laughing…ok…moving on then…


14. Real Madrid (Down 10)

Karim Benzema,Marcelo,Sergio Ramos

“The pace of the Megane is too leisurely to be called quick. Uphill runs become power-sappingly mundane whilst overtaking National Express coaches becomes a long, drawn-out affair. Not my words, Carol, those are the words of Top Gear Magazine.”

Like a Megane crawling past a National Express on the M25, ?Real Madrid are going nowhere fast.

This past weekend, with the oldest starting XI in the history of football, Los Blancos succumbed to Real Betis and dropped back down to second in the league table. 


13. Inter (Down 4)

FBL-ITA-SERIEA-JUVENTUS-INTER

“Guide dogs for the blind. It’s cruel really, isn’t it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them.”

Football behind closed doors. It’s cruel really, isn’t it? 

Getting a football team to play a competitive game in front of exactly zero fans. Not fair on either of them. 


12. SS Lazio (Down 11) 

Lucas Leiva,Marco Parolo

“‘The Spy Who Loved Me’ is a brilliant film. It begin in forest in Germany…

“It’s Austria! Austria!”

“What’s the one where the laser beam goes up his jack…”

“‘Goldfinger’!”

“What’s the one with the, with the volcano, and it splits up and a big rocket comes out with all Ch***ies jumping up and down?”

“Isn’t that, er, ‘Thunderball’?”

Look, Lazio are down 11 this week for a very simple reason: 

It’s been sooooo long since they played a game of football, that I can’t actually remember if they’re good or not. 


11. Borussia Dortmund (Down 4) 

Neymar,Emre Can

“You know, when I used to see you in reception, do you know what I used to think?”

“No.”

“I used to think ‘ooohh…she’s nicer than my wife.'”

You know, a few weeks ago after the first leg of of their Champions League tie with PSG, do you know what I used to think? 

‘No.’

I used to think ‘ooohh…?Borussia Dortmund are much better than Paris Saint-Germain.’ 

And I was bloody wrong. 


10. Barcelona (Up 4) 

Lionel Messi

“Michael, release the headmaster!” 

Oh, would you look at that. 

?Barcelona were absolutely horrific at the weekend but were bailed out by Lionel Messi (the third best footballer of all time).

What a surprise. 


9. Manchester City (Down 7) 

Pep Guardiola

“I wanted to watch Roger Moore necking with Fiona Fullerton. And instead, I have to watch a giant Michael Bolton lookalike, in a tight vest, throwing an oven over bales of hay.”

Pep Guardiola wanted to watch ?Manchester City teach their inner-city rivals a tiki-taka footballing lesson on Sunday. Instead, he watched his team get COMPLETELY OUTPLAYED by a Man Utd team led by an Andy Serkis lookalike. 


8. Chelsea (Up 3) 

Frank Lampard,Kurt Zouma

It’s good this, isn’t it? Even though we’re basically just listing chocolate bars.” 

It’s good this, isn’t it ?Chelsea fans? This winning games thing, it is good, isn’t it? 

Even if you’re mainly just beating teams you 100% should be beating – it’s still good. 


7. Manchester United (Up 3)

Bruno Fernandes

“That’s the best cooked breakfast I’ve had since Gary Wilmot’s wedding.”

Well that win over Manchester City was the best ?Manchester United have had since the remarkable comeback at the Etihad Stadium way back in the Jose Mourinho days. 

And the performance in said win last Sunday was the best from the Red Devils since way back in the Sir Alex Ferguson days. 


6. RB Leipzig (Up 1) 

UEFA Champions League"Red Bull Leipzig v Tottenham Hotspur FC"

“Dan’s a fantastic man! He really is. I was talking to him earlier and he asked me what kind of phone I had and I said ‘a Motorola Timeport’. And he said, ‘that’s saaad, you want to upgrade’. I said, ‘so do you – to a new face’. He nearly soiled himself.”

Julian Nagelsmann’s a fantastic man! He really is. 

This past week he and his RB Leipzig team straight up embarrassed Jose Mourinho’s Tottenham in the UEFA Champions League. Nice one. 


5. Paris Saint-Germain (Re-Entry) 

FBL-EUR-C1-PSG-DORTMUND-HEALTH-VIRUS

Jet from Gladiators to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome. Properly policed. It must not, repeat not, turn into an all-night rave.”

Alright lads, calm down. 

There is no need to turn a round of 16 win in an empty stadium into an all-night rave. It’s a bit unnecessary. 


4. Juventus (Up 11) 

FBL-ITA-SERIEA-JUVENTUS-INTER

“Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?” 

Do you want to hear the good news of the bad news? 

‘Good news.’

After nine months, it looks like Sarriball has finally clicked at ?Juventus.

‘Great! So what’s the bad news?’

Well, it’s finally started working, but you might not see it again for another nine months because Serie A has been suspended indefinitely. 


3. Atalanta (Up 2) 

FBL-EUR-C1-VALENCIA-ATALANTA

“Back of the net!”

Serie A goals: 70. 

UEFA Champions League goals: 16. 

No other team in Europe hits the back of the net with the frequency that Atalanta does. They are lights out in front of goal, baybee. 


2. Atletico Madrid (Re-Entry)

Marcos Llorente

“I find it amazing how many people still think the petrol cap on a Ford Focus is offside rear.”

I find it amazing how many people (Jurgen Klopp and bitter Liverpool fans) still think that Atletico Madrid don’t play ‘proper football’. 

‘Proper football’ is playing to your strengths to win. 

That’s what Atleti do better than most, and that’s why they put Liverpool TO THE SWORD in extra time of their Champions League tie. 


1. Bayern Munich (Up 1) 

Thomas Mueller

“Guaranteed to blow your mind!” 

Bayern Munich’s recent form: 

Played: 11.

Won: 10.

Drawn: 1.

Lost: 0.

Goals Scored: 36.

Goals Conceded: 7.

Goal Difference: +29.

Anniversary kit rating out of 10: 1000000000000000000000000000000000.

Bayern Munich in 2020: guaranteed to blow your mind! 


Let’

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