90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings: Week 20 – The IT Crowd Special

Following a week in which: 

– Liverpool won ?their 10000000000th game.

– Erling Haaland scored his 200000000th goal for Borussia Dortmund. 

– Jose Mourinho ‘Mourinhoballed’ a Pep Guardiola team for the 3000000th time. 

We mother flipping rank the 15 best mother flipping teams in Europe using quotes from the classic mother flipping Channel Four sitcom ‘The IT Crowd’.


15. RB Leipzig (Down 6) 

Timo Werner

Mine doesn’t look any good now.”

Throughout the first half of the season, Timo Werner was the undisputed best young forward in Germany. No young player came even remotely close to matching his goal haul.

But now, there’s a new kid on the block.

He looks like Ivan Drago, he plays football like Marco van Basten, and since signing for Borussia Dortmund he’s made Werner’s goal every 85 minutes record look a bit crap, because he scores a goal every 19 minutes…which is better. 


14. Manchester City (Down 8)

Pep Guardiola

“The thing about Arsenal is, they always try and walk it in!”

See the thing about Manchester City, they always try and walk it in! 

They had exactly 66.9% of the ball against Tottenham, made exactly 692 passes and scored exactly zero goals. Useless. 


13. Tottenham Hotspur (Re-Entry) 

FBL-ENG-FACUP-TOTTENHAM-SOUTHAMPTON

“Dear Sir stroke Madam. Fire, exclamation mark. Fire, exclamation mark. Help me, exclamation mark. 123 Clarendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss.”

Dear Sir stroke Madam. Fire, exclamation mark. Fire, exclamation mark. Help us, Jose Mourinho is ruining us club, exclamation mark. 782 High Road, Tottenham, London N17 0BX. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Spurs fans. 

This was a message sent Tottenham fans following their disastrous Christmas period. They thought that Mourinho was killing their club; zapping the life out of it with stodgy, boring, negative football. 

And then, ?outta nowhere (!), Jose Mourinho masterminded a 2-0 win over Manchester City. 

Now all is gravy again. Nice one. 


12. Marseille (Re-Entry) 

FBL-FRA-CUP-TRELISSAC-MARSEILLE

Yeah, I don’t know what it is, but women’s slacks give me the confidence I need to survive in a tough business world. They’re lighter, airier and less constrictive than men’s trousers.”

So we think we’ve worked out how, after flopping at every club (bar Zenit St. Petersburg) he’s managed since he left Porto way back in 2011, Andre Villas-Boas has masterminded Marseille’s recent 15 game unbeaten run in all competitions. 

Women’s slacks. 

He’s wearing women’s slacks. 

It’s the only explanation for his newfound confidence and ability to survive in one of the most pressurised jobs in France. 


11. Getafe (Re-Entry) 

Cucurella

“What the flip are you looking at? Think this is funny? You think this is some kind of mother flipping joke? Mother flippers think everything is a mother flipping joke. Let me tell you, the jokey ain’t no jokey sucker!”

You think this is some kind of mother flipping joke? Mother flippers think everything is a mother flipping joke. Let me tell you, the jokey ain’t no jokey sucker. 

Getafe are 11th in this week’s Definitive European Power Rankings because they mother flipping deserve to be. 

They’re mother flipping third in La Liga and have won their last three on the bounce. They’re the real deal sucker. 


10. Atalanta (Down 6) 

Josip Ilicic

“Unbelievable! Some idiot disabled his firewall, meaning all the computers on floor Seven are teeming with viruses, plus I’ve just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs, because the lifts are broken again!”

Unbelievable! After thumping Torino 7-0, some idiot disabled Atalanta’s defence, meaning the Bergamo club allowed the third worst team in Serie A to score two goals against them. 


9. Benfica (Up 1)

Gabriel

With all due respect John, I am the head of IT and I have it on good authority that if you type ‘Google’ into Google, you can break the Internet. So please, no one try it, even for a joke. [the executives laugh] It’s not a laughing matter. You can break the Internet.”

Benfica’s last 16 Primeira Liga games:

Played: 16.

Won: 16.

Drawn: 0.

Lost: 0.

Goals Scored: 42.

Goals Conceded: 6.

Goal Difference: +36. 

Benfica have broken the Primeira Liga. 


8. SS Lazio (Down 3) 

Ciro Immobile

What are the chances?”

“100 to one.”

‘After their shambolic 0-0 draw with boring old Hellas Verona, what are Lazio’s chances of winning the Serie A title this season?’

1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to one. 


7. Borussia Dortmund (Up 5) 

Erling Haaland

It went viral at 10.30, Roy. Of course I’ve seen it.”

Erling Haaland has gone viral, and for good reason. 

– He’s scored seven goals in just three Bundesliga games (one of which he started).

– Those seven goals from eight shots on goal.

– He’s averaging a goal every 19 minutes in the league. 

Erling Haaland is an OptaJoe wet dream.  


6. Real Madrid (Down 4) 

Marcelo

“I never know what to say to people at funerals.”

“Me too. I’m terrible.”

“Just say you’re sorry and move on. [To Denholm’s wife] He’ll be in our prayers.”

“[To Denholm’s wife] I’m sorry for your loss. Move on.”

Real Madrid, we’re sorry for your loss to Real Sociedad in the Copa del Rey, but it’s time to move on and focus on winning your first La Liga title in three years. Considering you’re top of the league currently, and considering how absolutely dogsh*t Barcelona are, that’s a real possibility. 


5. Inter (Up 3) 

Romelu Lukaku

You just defused that entire situation!”

January was a pretty rough month for Inter. 

‘How rough?’ 

Well they didn’t win a single league game and allowed Juventus to build up a three point lead atop of Serie A. 

‘Yeah, that is rough.’

But it’s now February, and the change of the month have seemingly heralded a change in form for Inter, as they finally got back to winning ways this past weekend away at Udinese. 


4. Juventus (Up 3) 

FBL-ITA-SERIEA-JUVENTUS-FIORENTINA

“Where is your God?! Where is your God now?! Here, lies a great man. A great man! FAAAAAATTHHHHEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!”

In fourth, we have a great team. A great team! JUVVVVVVEEEEEEENNNNTTTUUUUSSS!

A great team that bounced back from defeat away at SSC Napoli with a rather comfortable win over Fiorentina. JUVVVVVVEEEEEEENNNNTTTUUUUSSS!


3. Paris Saint-Germain (-) 

Neymar Jr,Kylian Mbappe

It got some pretty good reviews.”

Paris Saint-Germain have now won 18 of their last 20 games in all competitions. 

That’s pretty good. 

Nearly Liverpool good.  


2. Bayern Munich (Up 9)

FBL-GER-CUP-BAYERN MUNICH-HOFFENHEIM

The rioting has been going on all night. The men involved are young, angry, and almost all of them work with computers. In Tokyo, two games designers went on a rampage in a shopping centre and frightened a dog. In Hamburg, a group of software developers shouted at a bus.”

It’s all kicking off in the Bundesliga! The football teams involved are young, angry and almost all of them have a world class striker leading their lines. In Mainz last week, Bayern went on a rampage and won 3-1. In Leipzig, their biggest title rivals succumbed to a 2-2 draw and dropped to second in the table. 

The best title race in Europe – BAR NONE. 


1. Liverpool (-)

FBL-ENG-PR-LIVERPOOL-SOUTHAMPTON

Oh my God. I didn’t even know Smarties made a cereal.”

Oh my God. 

I didn’t even know a football team to be this good. 

And yet, Liverpool are this good. 

Mad. 


Let’

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